Superball Med Staff Forced to Revert to Medieval Health Practices

June 30, 2011
Centaur Scurvy

Watkins Glen, NY: Sources from deep within Phish’s infrastructure have informed us that the medical team at Superball IX, in anticipation of’ strange and uncommon’ ailments, has proactively abandoned standard medicinal practices, and is reverting to a broad range of obscure and eclectic forms of treatment, spanning from Pirate medicine to World War I...
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Fake Jerry Gives Woman Fake Orgasm

June 22, 2011
Real Woman and Fake Jerry

Boston, MA: In the early hours of a brisk Boston morning, Kristine Murphy took a cab back to her apartment while recounting the previous night’s adventure to this dedicated reporter. “After seeing the Further show last night, I decided to go hit up the Beacon Hill Pub on a tip that the band would...
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May 24, 2011

San Francisco, CA: Phil Lesh has announced that he will be going back on tour, but not with the usual group of Friends that he brings with.  Rumors that Lesh was running out of friends have been floating through the scene for the last few years but, it wasn’t until last year’s Bonnaroo that...

Child of Deadheads Frightened by Bobby’s Face, Phil’s Voice

March 30, 2011

Ann Arbor, MI: A young girl was recently frightened upon her first exposure to the Grateful Dead by her parents, Joe and Melanie Kelso.  Joe told us, “We thought it was time to get her listening to some good music and try to ween her off the Wiggles.  They’re cool and all, but they...
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March 29, 2011

I-95 South: Darryl Cummings, a twenty-nine-year-old self-professed ‘Phish-nerd,’ has created a fantasy set list that experts say is “completely ridiculous and has absolutely no fucking bearing on reality.” “Dude, wouldn’t it be great if they opened second set with 2001?” Cummings asked his friend on the drive to Camden, New Jersey. “And then went...

March 21, 2011

TBD: Jam band fans have registered mass complaints that a future festival, which, according to no website, has ‘yet to be conceived,’ has ‘no current artist line-up,’ and ‘may or may not be taking place sometime in the future,’ ‘somewhere in the world,’ ’most likely outside,’ has “sold out.” The location , has been...

Internet to Phantasy Tour: Please Be Nicer

March 16, 2011

World Wide Web: The internet, currently populated by brutal, racist, homophobic, child-porn addicted members, has issued a mass statement requesting that the popular jam-band message board Phantasy Tour be “a bit nicer, more appropriate,” and that they “learn some web-etiquette,” sources tell us. “They’re just big bullies,” commented Jim Harkins, founder of the popular...
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Misspelling in Press Release for Bass Fishing Exposition Leads to Overbooked Hotels

March 8, 2011

Hampton, VA: As the result of a typo in the Bass Fishing League’s recent press release announcing the annual convention in Norfolk, every hotel within a twenty-mile radius has been booked solid.  Said Henry Graves, the president of the Bass Fishing League, “I guess numbers are really up from last year. You know, you...
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Dave Matthew’s Fan: “Hey Guys, Where Are You Going?”

March 7, 2011

Manchester, TN 2010: “Hey guys, where are you going?” asked twenty-two year old Dave Matthews Band fan John Rice at approximately 7 PM Friday night at the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival. “I thought we agreed we were gonna go see Dave.” “Guys? Guys! Hey, wait up!” he added. According to friends, the line...
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What festival are we going to this summer?

March 3, 2011

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