Retraction: Big Black Furry Creature Actually From Venus

August 2, 2011

Pittsburgh, PA: In a shocking press release put out from scientists at Pitt, it was revealed earlier today that the Big Black Furry Creature actually hails from Venus.  This news flies in the face of all previous research purporting that Big Black Furry Creature may have been from Mars.  While many in the scientific...
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Veggie Burrito May Be Deciding Factor in Man’s Standoff with Porto Potties

July 8, 2011
Veggie Burrito May Be Deciding Factor in Man’s Standoff with Porto Potties

Watkins Glen, NY: Sources tell us that a single, seemingly harmless vegetarian burrito may have been the impetus that ended a long-lasting tactical standoff between a highly-motivated Phish fan and the collective entity known as the on-site festival Porto Potty. 2:30 p.m. Friday “On the way to the fest,” said girlfriend Rachel Graff, “Jerry...
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String Cheese Incident Caught Releasing Air from Phish’s Tour Bus Tires

July 6, 2011

Burlington, VT: Musicians Bill Nershi, Michael Kang, and Kyle Hollingsworth, widely known as members of Colorado-based jamband The String Cheese Incident, were spotted last Thursday afternoon releasing the air from the tires of a Coach USA 40-foot tour bus, chartered to deliver local prog-rock legends Phish from their hometown to their three-day fourth of...
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June 29, 2011

Gainesville, FL: In what close friends and family consider a ‘major step towards maturity,’ 33-year-old loving husband and father of two Jason Feder is “totally cool with missing Superball IX,” sources tell us. “I was really surprised,” said best friend Matt Segel. “He doesn’t seem to mind at all. Usually, around this time, he’d...

Man Explains Gamehendge Mythology on First Date, Still Awaiting Callback

June 24, 2011

Chicago, IL: Witnesses overheard John Riches, a 26-year-old Uptown resident, excitedly recapping the entirety of the Gamehendge mythology to his dead-eyed date at Hama Matsu sushi restaurant on Clark Street. “You see, there was this evil dictator, his name was Wilson,” he reportedly told 28-year-old Jenny Matthews from their window side table, “and he...
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Trey Hit by Glow Stick on Afternoon Stroll Through Central Park

June 17, 2011

Central Park, NYC: Eyewitnesses tell us that Phish’s front man Trey Anastasio was pummeled by a wayward glow stick as he strolled through Central Park on an afternoon walk with his family the day after the Darien Lake show. “They seemed to be enjoying themselves,” 45 year-old hot dog cart operator Carl Swanson told...
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Ahh!! The Dead vs. Ahh!! The Dead

June 10, 2011

Ahhh!!! The Dead! My palms are starting to sweat as I feel the walls close in around me.  I haven’t seen them for a while, but I knew they’d be back.  There was nothing on the TV or radio about them, but I knew it wasn’t over.  I was right.  Bobby, Phil… I knew...
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April 4, 2011

Holmdel, NJ: Witnesses told our reporters of a heartwarming, miraculous occurrence that took place around 7:15 PM last Tuesday evening in the parking lot outside of Phish’s PNC Amphitheater concert, which they say tugged at their heartstrings, and reminded them, “kindness still exists in this crazy community.”  According to reports, 24 year-old Phil Roberts...

Fans Enraged By Grammar Flub in New Trey Interview

March 28, 2011

Internet: Phish fans gathered on the Internet to register complaints about grammar flubs Monday night after a new Trey Anastasio interview aired on Chicago’s XRT radio station. “If you listen to the three-minute-thirty-two-second mark, after the second commercial break,” posted John Simmons, a thirty-five year old Phish fan, “as Trey’s talking about how he...
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The Man Who Stepped Into Yesterday Steps In Dog Shit

March 23, 2011

Newark, NJ: Witnesses say that a grouchy old man appeared out of thin air with his dog.  The old man then stepped into a pile of shit that his dog had just dropped. He walked away cursing ‘kids this days’, as well as the ‘ineptitude of the stupid Lizard army’.  If you encounter this...
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