Well-Intentioned, Yet Misguided Fan Raises Newcastle and Toasts Independence

July 5, 2011
By DrumNkeyboard

Rothbury, MI : In what sources believe was a well-intentioned, yet misguided gesture of patriotism, Electric Forest attendee Shawn Guiles popped open a fresh Newcastle beer, held it high above him, and said “Here’s to our great fucking country!” then took a long, proud swig.

“I was going to say something,” said fellow camper Laura McKenzie, “but he was really into it, so I let it slide.”

According to another source, Guiles made an impassioned speech as fireworks erupted throughout the festival grounds. “This fucking country has produced so much greatness!” said Guiles, his Newcastle extended high. “Happy fucking birthday, America. Thanks for everything you’ve given me. Whoo-hoo!”

The unintended irony did not, however, stop there. After taking a long draw from the imported brew, Guiles gestured to his friend Steve, making a rising motion with his hands.

“Turn that shit up!” screamed Guiles, motioning for Steve to increase the volume on their boom box, currently blasting a guitar-driven live rendition of Eric Clapton’s Layla. “Layla” sang Guiles aloud, waving his beer through the air, “ got me on my knees…Layla! Fuck yeah, America! USA! USA!”

Guiles’ celebration was not the only patriotic misstep of the night. Sources tell us that 24-year-old Rob Smith, on the other side of the festival grounds, celebrated his independence by consuming what he referred to as a ‘Betsy Ross Buffet,’ which included one white, 750mg Vicodin, one blue .5mg Xanax, and one unidentified red oval round pill, which he proceeded to crush into a fine powder and snort with a Taco Bell straw.

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