Man Explains Gamehendge Mythology on First Date, Still Awaiting Callback

June 24, 2011
By ScottaJibboo

Chicago, IL: Witnesses overheard John Riches, a 26-year-old Uptown resident, excitedly recapping the entirety of the Gamehendge mythology to his dead-eyed date at Hama Matsu sushi restaurant on Clark Street.

“You see, there was this evil dictator, his name was Wilson,” he reportedly told 28-year-old Jenny Matthews from their window side table, “and he got ahold of the Helping Friendly Book. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.”

It was here that Matthew’s began her night of drinking. “I told them to make it as strong as is legal.”

“OK. First there was this ancient group of Lizards. They lived peacefully, in complete harmony. Their leader was a wise old sage named Icculus. Icculus wrote the Helping Friendly Book, which, to quote Big Red, “possessed the ancient secret to eternal joy and never-ending splendor.””

One witness, 38 year old Joey Gray, said Matthews wore a pained look on her face, similar to those contemplating a slow and painful, yet exponentially gratifying, suicide. “I almost wanted to go over and say something to the dude, but he seemed way too excited.”

Riches himself didn’t notice the look because he didn’t stop there. “So everything was fine in Gamehendge. But then Wilson comes along, and he steals the book from the lizards. It helps if you think of Wilson as a sort of Darth Vader.”

“Uh huh,” replied Matthews, finishing her drink in one gulp.

“So Wilson steals the Helping Friendly Book, right? And Icculus lives high up on a mountaintop, kind of removed from everything. He’s like this mountain god who-“

Matthews left the table at this point and called her friend to save her. Matthew’s friend Laura Smith told us, “Talk about bad date. Jenny was deciding was to order and she said she liked fish. This guy thought she was talking about the band and he just went off rambling. I wish I was there to see it!”

Matthew’s said, “When I got back to the table, he just didn’t stop. He got all serious telling me that he forgot some important stuff and started talking about Colonel Sanders and his dog falling into a hole.  Then he started drumming on the table all dramatically and said ‘And they landed in Gamehendge!’ This is the last time I let my brother set me up on a date.”

The date ended shortly thereafter, with Riches explaining during the walk to a taxi the many fates handed to one ‘Posternutbag’ throughout the years.

“Yeah, I think it went great,” added Riches, when asked about the success of his date. “Besides, I haven’t even gotten to the Multibeast yet,” he said optimistically. “I mean, talk about a cliffhanger. She’s gotta call back soon, right?”

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