Trey Hit by Glow Stick on Afternoon Stroll Through Central Park

June 17, 2011
By ScottaJibboo

Central Park, NYC: Eyewitnesses tell us that Phish’s front man Trey Anastasio was pummeled by a wayward glow stick as he strolled through Central Park on an afternoon walk with his family the day after the Darien Lake show.

“They seemed to be enjoying themselves,” 45 year-old hot dog cart operator Carl Swanson told our reporters. “He was just casually strolling along, laughing, holding his wife’s hand. Then, out of nowhere, a neon stick of some sort, I think it was yellow, just clobbered him on the side of the face.”

“There were lots of people around,” said Greenwich Village resident John Starkins. “Everybody kinda looked around, but the culprit was nowhere to be found.”

According to our sources, Trey stopped, and took a deep breath. He seemed surprised and flustered, trying to regain his composure. Then another one, blue this time, struck his right shoulder blade.   “Who the fuck threw that?” Trey screamed into the vast grasslands of Central Park. “Who the fuck threw that? Was it you?” he accusingly pointed towards a picnicking couple enjoying wine and cheese. They shrugged.

“Who the fuck threw that? Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God! How is this even possible?” His wife pulled at his arm, and he began to walk away before stopping.  “One more fucking glow stick and I’m done! Phish is done! I can’t handle this shit anymore? You think Jerry had to deal with this shit?”

At precisely that moment, a passing bicyclist screamed, ‘Hey Trey! See you at Watkins Glen!”

“Yeah, fuck you too, you fucking coward! Why don’t you come say that to my face? I’m too old for this shit! I swear to God, one more fucking glow stick, I’m going to play the longest Bouncing you’ve ever fucking heard! Just fucking wait! You dirty, crusty fucks! I’ve put up with enough of your shit!”

Trey had somewhat regained his composure and began to walk back to his hotel with his wife in tow. As they were walking away, he overheard a New Yorker offering advice to a tourist, advising him to “Take the A-Train.”

“FUCK YOU!” screamed Trey at the startled pedestrians. “We’ll play what we fucking want!”

A visibly distraught Trey was last seen being restrained by his wife, ranting about how he wished the Great Went had never happened.

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  3. “Shhhhhh!” Says Phish Fan
  4. Phish Announces Super Ball IX Will Be Co-Headlined by Dave Matthews Band
  5. Donald Trump Demands Trey Anastasio’s Birth Certificate

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