Exposé: Nitrous Mafia Infiltrates ADA, Ironically Still Missing Teeth

March 1, 2011
By ScottaJibboo

Philadelphia, PA: Our investigative reporters tell us that the well known and much feared/appreciated Nitrous Mafia have infiltrated the American Dental Association, but are still, ironically, missing most of their teeth.

“We always wondered how they procured such large amounts of grade-A medical nitrous oxide,” said one of our investigators, who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, these guys have unlimited supplies of tanks. Now that we found the source of their nitrous, the next question we asked ourselves is, if they’re working with the ADA, why do they have such atrocious dental hygiene?”

According to our sources, the Nitrous Mafia has infiltrated the American Dental Association’s headquarters, masking as Dental Hygienists in order to procure the much-lauded laughing gas commonly used as anesthesia for oral surgery.

“It is troubling to realize that such a stable medical institution can be so susceptible to infiltration,” said our source, “but what really boggles our minds is how they still manage to have such awful dental hygiene. I mean, have you ever seen those guys? They have, like, no fucking teeth!”

We took to the streets to get the opinions of concertgoers at a Disco Biscuits concert last weekend. When tapped for comment, David Riley, a twenty-two year old fan from Connecticut, told us that he, “Just needs something to lean on for a minute.” Another concert attendee, eighteen-year old Tommy Barish, replied, “Waaawaaaawaaaawaaawaaaaa.”

In lieu of the investigation, the Nitrous Mafia public relations committee has issued this statement: “Stand the fuck back, stand the fuck back! Get in a line! Twenty-bucks, bitch!”

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